Let it Go.

Something I've struggled a lot with is forgiveness. 

 I get hurt quite easily and I guess you could say I am a very sensitive person. That's not to say that some of my pain isn't 'real'. I've been through a lot in 19 years. A lot of people have hurt me deeply.  The thing is, I almost never confront the person who has hurt me. I just bury it deep inside and push those emotions away.  I'll never forget how that person hurt me; I'll never just let it go because of fear that it will happen again.

I hold onto that hurt and I feel like I'm a prisoner to my own pain.  

I just need to let it go.

I've heard it plenty of times.

"Come on, it was a simple misunderstanding, just forget about it"

"Amber, Just  GET OVER IT already!"

So I begin to think..."

"That person really hurt me. How can I ever forgive them?"

Then, I'd hear it again. This time it's in my head:

"Just let it go."

"but how? How can I just let something like that go? I get letting the simple things go, but those deep dark emotions of fear and abandonment? How can I ever forget let alone forgive that?"

Then, an email arrived in my mailbox. 

My daily devotional email from Joel Osteen read :

Everyone has been hurt, offended, betrayed and mistreated at some point. Sometimes those wounds are small and easy to move past, but other times, they are deep and take time to heal. The important thing is that we choose to forgive so that we can open the door to God’s forgiveness and healing in our own lives. Forgiveness is such a powerful tool. Forgiveness sets you free and draws you closer to your heavenly Father. One of the first things my mother did when she found out that she had stage four cancer of the liver was to ask the Lord to search her heart for any unforgiveness. She didn’t want anything to block her prayers for God’s healing. And now more than twenty years later, she still has a perfectly clean bill of health.

Whenever you pray, invite the Lord to search your heart. Choose to forgive anyone that has hurt you. As you walk in forgiveness, you’ll experience His hand of blessing in ways you never thought possible, and you will move forward in the abundant life He has in store for you

God can be blunt sometimes, can't he?

That's when it all clicked. 

I was holding to my pain, and I had all of this negativity within me. It was holding me back. In fact, it was stopping me from developing friendships and relationships. It was preventing me from truly moving forward with my life because I was still stuck in the past. 

 I still wanted vengeance, but it wasn't mine.

"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you."
-Ephesians 4:31-32

Sunset on the lake!

So, if you read yesterday's post, then you are already aware of how my family spent friday evening.

We picked up a family pack of BBQ (from our favorite place: Dickeys) and headed out on the 5 minute drive to our local lake. Lake Grapevine to be exact.

We plopped down on a picnic table and passed around the goods family style.

It was so so good.

and the view was even better.

We all laughed too hard, ate too much and smiled till our mouths hurt!

We even did our own version of the 'Harlem Shake!'

Click here if you want to watch it!

I love my family.

but more importantly, I love being with my family.

They make me laugh. They care. 

We truly love one another.

I cherish every moment we can all spend together.

Life is too short not to.

Looking at this sunset, I was so thankful and humbled at God's glory.

I kept thinking 

"Man, I am so blessed."

Those Texas sunsets, cotton candy clouds, and fun family moments can really put things into perspective.

I love you guys.

Giving Back.

I am shy. There is no way around it. I don't like public situations, such as classrooms, parties, or any place where I am forced to smile and talk about the same old things. Its always the same.
"So what grade are you in?
     me- "Oh, I actually graduated last year. I'm a freshman in college."
"So what are you studying for?"
    me-"Still undecided, but for now, special education."

Then I get the look. The look of not knowing what to say, not wanting to say the wrong thing, or hurting any ones feelings. I'm fine with it. I'm not really sure what to say about it either. It just kinda came to me one day, and I truly believe that I was put on this planet to teach. So it all came together as I signed up for college. Yup. Special education, that's it. Truth is, I am scared. I know it will be hard. but I believe one hundred percent that it will be worth it.

But this isn't what the post is about. The point is, I hate feeling vulnerable. Which leaves me a lot of times lonely. I really don't have many "friends" and most of them live out of state (or country). So I spend the majority (all) of my time alone or with my mom. It started being put on my heart that I need to join one of the events that my church holds. I hated the idea, but I knew I had to do it. I had to. I told myself that I will be alone for the rest of my life if I don't start meeting people. This was months ago. Each week, I had an excuse. Then another and another. and now, here we are 2 months later, still alone.

So fast foward to Monday. My mom normally comes home from work, scarfs down dinner and then jets off the the women's group at the church. I knew I wanted to go with her sometime, so I decided that today was the day. Of course I made excuse after excuse of why I couldn't go. But I went. I know. I even shocked myself. Turns out, I couldn't have picked a better week to go.

I still had to answer all those silly questions, and I had to make myself vulnerable. I cringed as I sat at the table surrounded by women who I have never met. I wanted to get out of there as fast as I could.

Then I found out what we were doing. Everyone had brought household items and Easter candy to make Easter baskets for a needy apartment complex and hopefully invite them to our Easter service. I smiled. I was so happy to be able help, because these sort of things are right up my ally. Then I learned that we were going to hand deliver the baskets to the families. and cue me wanting to run. I hated the idea. I was feeling vulnerable again. The idea of knocking on a persons door, telling them what we were doing, then praying with them, scared me to no end. but I chugged along. I wasn't giving up this far in.

So here I am, holding this HUGE basket filled with all the necessities (fruit, veggies, soap, TP, toothpaste, laundry soap) and cute little easter baskets for the kiddos, walking up to this run-down, old and for lack of a better word Yucky apartment. I was shaking. I prayed.
I saw the kids bright eyes as they saw all the toys they were receiving, and the parent's tears, watching their relief of not having to stress over putting food on the table, I was full. Full of joy, happiness and gratefulness. As I stood there, I just kept thinking about how good I have it. I have a house, with furniture. I have a car (that drives!) I have food. I have water. I have everything I need. How selfish I was! Sure, Im not "rich," I have a single mother who also struggles pay check to pay check, but I am blessed.

How many times have I complained about having "nothing to eat"?
How many times have I pouted over not reciveing the newest, coolest gadget?
How many times have I cried over how "hard" my life is?

You see, This is just what I needed. I needed to put things back into perspective. I was able to help a family that needed it SO badly. I was able to give back for all I have been blessed. And to think, that I was being selfish just moments before about such silly matters.
The smiles of those kids, and the joy of those parents will be forever etched into my mind. Every time I think that I have it bad, I will remember that night.

Isnt it funny how God choses to work in your life? Just when I needed this lesson, God sent me to this church meeting. I believe 100% that everything happens for a reason. God had me on his mind that night.

I cant say that I will be back next week, but I know that I will try. I am definitely put into the Easter spirit now :)
So I ask you(whoever or if anyone is reading this) what does God put into perspective in your life? How do you like to give back?