Just Say Yes.

 I briefly mentioned in this post an inner battle that rages on inside me.
Basically, I shared that I'm a prisoner to my own pain and that pain left me with fear.

with anxiety.
with hurt.

I wrote, "I was holding to my pain, and I had all of this negativity within me. It was holding me back. In fact, it was stopping me from developing friendships and relationships. It was preventing me from truly moving forward with my life because I was still stuck in the past."

I was afraid. terrified. 
I never wanted to feel vulnerable again.
I never did anything out of my comfort zone.

In fact, I vowed to never put myself in those positions again. 

I was living in fear. 

Finally, I just got sick and tired of constantly saying no to things that scared me. I was sick of over thinking every little detail and overanalyzing everything, weighing every option. 

 I just realized life is too short to keep living like this! I was sick and tired of living half a life. 

Carpe Diem, right!?!? 

So, I came up with this idea of sorts.

What if every time I was tempted to say no to something, I'd say Yes. 

Not just small things, but big things too. 

What's the worst that could happen?

Would I shrivel up and die? Or would I finally be living my life to it's fullest potential?

So the time came when I was asked to spend a few months in Florida.

I thought of a billion reasons why I shouldn't do it. 

but I said yes anyways. 

I was registering for fall classes and was terrified at the only options I had. I wanted to throw in the towel and forget the past two years of college all together. 

But I said yes, and registered for that class. 

I was begged to ride this ride, that quite frankly looked terrifying,

but I said yes. 

(and enjoyed it so much I rode it again!)

and gulp, this was the tough one...

I was asked to meet a guy who might be interested in me.

and you know what?

I said yes. 

Part of truly forgiving someone, I've learned, is also learning to forgive yourself. 

It's about allowing yourself to feel vulnerable again. 

So, if you feel like your constantly being held back because of fear, anxiety, or pain

I'd encourage you to just. say. yes.

Let it Go.

Something I've struggled a lot with is forgiveness. 

 I get hurt quite easily and I guess you could say I am a very sensitive person. That's not to say that some of my pain isn't 'real'. I've been through a lot in 19 years. A lot of people have hurt me deeply.  The thing is, I almost never confront the person who has hurt me. I just bury it deep inside and push those emotions away.  I'll never forget how that person hurt me; I'll never just let it go because of fear that it will happen again.

I hold onto that hurt and I feel like I'm a prisoner to my own pain.  

I just need to let it go.

I've heard it plenty of times.

"Come on, it was a simple misunderstanding, just forget about it"

"Amber, Just  GET OVER IT already!"

So I begin to think..."

"That person really hurt me. How can I ever forgive them?"

Then, I'd hear it again. This time it's in my head:

"Just let it go."

"but how? How can I just let something like that go? I get letting the simple things go, but those deep dark emotions of fear and abandonment? How can I ever forget let alone forgive that?"

Then, an email arrived in my mailbox. 

My daily devotional email from Joel Osteen read :

Everyone has been hurt, offended, betrayed and mistreated at some point. Sometimes those wounds are small and easy to move past, but other times, they are deep and take time to heal. The important thing is that we choose to forgive so that we can open the door to God’s forgiveness and healing in our own lives. Forgiveness is such a powerful tool. Forgiveness sets you free and draws you closer to your heavenly Father. One of the first things my mother did when she found out that she had stage four cancer of the liver was to ask the Lord to search her heart for any unforgiveness. She didn’t want anything to block her prayers for God’s healing. And now more than twenty years later, she still has a perfectly clean bill of health.

Whenever you pray, invite the Lord to search your heart. Choose to forgive anyone that has hurt you. As you walk in forgiveness, you’ll experience His hand of blessing in ways you never thought possible, and you will move forward in the abundant life He has in store for you

God can be blunt sometimes, can't he?

That's when it all clicked. 

I was holding to my pain, and I had all of this negativity within me. It was holding me back. In fact, it was stopping me from developing friendships and relationships. It was preventing me from truly moving forward with my life because I was still stuck in the past. 

 I still wanted vengeance, but it wasn't mine.

"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you."
-Ephesians 4:31-32